That REALLY pisses me off

Hace bastante que no escribo, y para reanudar este interesante blog, pilar de vuestra existencia, procedo a quejarme de un par de cosas.
No soporto:

- Que los gays tengan que ser, indefectiblemente, guapos, pijos y metrosexuales.

Si la metrosexualidad tuviera forma antropomórfica, le obligaría a abrir la boca y a tragar brea ardiendo (de las plumas de oca me abstengo). ¿Quién cojones ha decidido que la homosexualidad es mejor cuando más "bella" (porque el retoque extremo a base de productos faciales varios no me parece bello en absoluto)? Oscar Wilde no era un modelo de belleza masculina, pero bien que le quería Bosie. Rimbaud llegó a casa de Verlaine infestado de piojos, pero eso no supuso ningún problema. En fin, que me jode que se establezca un canon tan superficial. ¿Es que la "transgresión" -porque muchos bien que van de transgresores- no llega al pantanoso terreno de la moda y la masa?

- El metro en hora punta y la gente que se vuelve agresiva en él. Bastante tenemos con aguantar el codo de uno en la corcusilla del otro, como para que encima nos volvamos todos locos y andemos chillando "¡¡¡Pero déjeme PASAAAAR!!!" cuando alguien tarde más de dos segundos en apartarse de la puerta. Coño, que no cuesta tanto tragar saliva y aguantar el mal rato.

- Los tangas que asoman, arrugados y con la goma cedida, por encima del vaquero. Son asquerosos. Encima las que lo llevan se creerán sexys, las muy gua*$as.

Canciones que me marcaron 4

Después de ver la película "Juno", he quedado profundamente conmovida por su opening "All I want is you", de Barry Louis Polisar, un temazo con una letra preciosa.

If I was a flower growing wild and free
Si fuera una flor, creciendo salvaje y libre
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
Lo único que querría sería que fueras mi dulce abejita
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
Y si fuera un árbol, creciendo alto y verde
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves
Lo único que querría sería darte sombra y que fueras mis hojas

All I want is you, will you be my bride?
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿serás mi novia?
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
Cógeme de la mano y quédate a mi lado
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿te quedarás conmigo?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
Estréchame en tus brazos y méceme como el mar

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
Si fueras un río en las altas montañas
The rumble of your water would be my call.
El rugido de tus aguas sería mi llamada
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Si fueras el invierno, sé que sería la nieve
Just as long as you were with me when the cold winds blow
mientras estuvieras conmigo cuando el frío viento soplara

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿serás mi novia?
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
Cógeme de la mano y quédate a mi lado
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿te quedarás conmigo?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
Estréchame entre tus brazos y méceme como el mar.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
Si fueras un guiño, yo sería un asentimiento
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
Si fueras una semilla, bien, yo sería una vaina
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
Si fueras el suelo, yo querría ser la alfombra
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug
y si fueras un beso, sé que sería un abrazo

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿serás mi novia?
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
Cógeme de la mano y quédate a mi lado
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿te quedarás conmigo?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
Estréchame en tus brazos y méceme como el mar.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
Si fueras la madera, yo sería el fuego
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
Si fueras el amor, yo sería el deseo
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
Si fueras un castillo, yo sería tu foso
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.
Y si fueras un océano aprendería a flotar

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿serás mi novia?
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
Cógeme de la mano y quédate a mi lado
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Lo único que quiero es a tí, ¿te quedarás conmigo?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.
Estréchame en tus brazos y méceme como el mar.

MeMe: ¿qué hago cuando estoy con la regla?

1. Me levanto, voy al baño y pongo cara de asco porque SIEMPRE se me mueve la compresa mientras duermo.

2. Me ducho obsesivamente, saltándome todas las recomendaciones del ginecólogo (que incluyen NO pasarse un estropajo por ciertas zonas).

3. Me siento a ver la tele en el salón, con una toalla debajo del trasero porque tengo un miedo paranoico a machar el sofá.

4. Como estoy depresiva, veo sin parar comedias románticas protagonizadas por Meg Ryan, que aportan una capa de espeso y azucarado sirope de banalidad a mi día a día.

5. Me duele la tripa, así que pongo al micro mi Hot Pack y me lo apoyo en el michelín hasta que se queda frío. ¿Por qué no inventan Hot Packs que duren doscientos años?

5.1. Intento desarrollar un Hot Pack que tenga la misma duración que una cápsula del tiempo.

5.2. Me deprimo más porque no fui concebida para inventar trastos tecnológicos que sólo tienen sentido cuando estoy menstruando.

6. Me levanto y me visto. Me pongo la ropa más vieja y ancha que tengo, esa que sólo sacas para quitarle un poco el polvo y llevarla a la parroquia. Si no fuera socialmente inadecuado, me pondría una letra escarlata y una bolsa de papel marrón en la cabeza.

7. Cojo el mp3 y escucho las canciones más duras que tengo, hasta que me duele la cabeza de tanto sólo de batería. Pero no lo dejo. ¡¡¡Quiero más!!!

8. Me toco las tetas de vez en cuando, con disimulo, y pienso "auch!", porque las tengo hinchadas como una preñada y me duelen un cojón.

9. Me enfado con todo el mundo porque no comprenden mi manera de ser. ODIO a los hombres por no saber ver que soy un espíritu libre.

10. Me olvido de llevar compresas. Me veo obligada a pedirle a alguien una, pero nunca tienen, y lo único que saco de mi colecta es un tampón marca OB sin aplicador.

10.1. Me veo obligada a violarme con el tampón, porque siempre me lo coloco atravesado.

10.2. Me veo obligada a hablar con toda la gente que odio, siempre teniendo la impresión de que saben que llevo un tampón atravesado.

11. Me quedo sin compresas en casa. La tortura vaginal continua.

12. Miro mis nuevos granos (frente-bigote-mejillas) y me los toco. Los dejo. Los toco. Los dejo.

13. Los toco.

14. Como chocolate como una posesa. Cuando me quedo sin chocolate, sigo con la fruta. Cuando se acaba la fruta, me descubro pensando cosas como : "¿estarán buenas las galletas maría dorada con ese sirope de fresa que lleva en casa desde el 95, y que ya es parte de la familia?"

14.1. Lo están.

15. Me voy a la cama y tengo sueños húmedos durante la mitad de la noche, más o menos. Cuando me despierto me cago en todo, porque soy una zona bacteriológica de cintura para abajo, así que el contacto está prohibido.

16. Me duermo, sexualmente frustrada y con un cabreo de cojones.

¿Qué carta del tarot eres tú?

Bueno, resulta que yo soy....

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Smut

Bueno, este es mi primer texto literario gestado y parido en inglés. Se que es exclusivista postearlo en versión original, porque os vais a enterar cuatro de lo que dice, pero bueno. De todas formas, es mi primer relato de realismo SUCIO, así que no creo que lo encontréis agradable... En fin, voilà!

The computer's light was shining against her face, making it glow ghostly. She moved her hand, guiding the mouse's cursor. She clicked on the colorful bright letters and waited for the site to appear.It was full of porn adds. She could almost see the viruses entering on her computer, fed by lust, morbid desire and that special smell of sweat and semen.
She wrote her nickname slowly, as if she wanted to palate every sillable. S-LUT-777-WHORE. A dozen of windows appeared on the screen. As she had been expecting.
She chose the most vulgar nick. It was one of those that gave the precised information : hugecock46. She knew that, one, he was a middle-aged man; two, his dick was miserable; three, that he was ugly, or fat, or merely dumb. The perfect target.She started to write, answering his greetings.

SLUT777WHORE hello, tiger.
hugecock46 wanna play?
SLUT777WHORE Depending of what kind of game you are thinking about
hugecock46 haha. You are a little dirty slut, aren't you?
SLUT777WHORE you're right, sweetie. I'm a total whore.
hugecock46 what are you gonna do first?
SLUT777WHORE I'm already doing it
hugecock46 what
SLUT777WHORE I'm sucking you off
hugecock46 yeah, that's right. Do you like it?
SLUT777WHORE yes

It was better when they had bad manners. In those cases, she used her better language, just to make theirs look worse.

SLUT777WHORE oh, honey, I'm not sure about this
hugecock46 hey, don't piss me off, why?
SLUT777WHORE It's just... too big, I'm afraid.
hugecock46 hehe, I bet it is. Suck it.
SLUT777WHORE Okey.

Dealing with him was easy as pie. She did the usual stuff, and waited for him to come. She fancied about his face, his convulsions, his distorted features. He was probably taking his sweet time to clean the mess, and to breath properly. Maybe he was lighting up a cigarrette.

hugecock46 hey, honey
SLUT777WHORE tell me, baby
hugecock46 that was great
SLUT777WHORE why, thank you.

And now, she thought, now silence. Three minutes passed, and he was still quiet as a stone.

hugecock46 I think we should make it real

She read his text, bright black on the white screen. She smiled.

SLUT777WHORE You just read my mind
----------------------------------------------------
She left the computer and went to the bathroom. She watched her reflection on the mirror.
She was a slim, red haired woman, with wide green eyes. Her locks were short and shiny. The pale skin had plenty of zits and red marks. Her jaw-line was too hard to be feminine. Her chest was flat and a huge scar crossed her belly from side to side.
A long, painful sigh went through her lips. She took off her t-shirt and change into a stripped one. She smelled her armpits, satisfied with the result of the exam.
The bus-stop was full of junkies and prostitutes. It was normal, as it was 4 am. The night bus came and she took it. After twenty minutes, she arrived at an old and dirty street, almost empty, except for two drunks who were sleeping in a matress as stained as themselves. He lived in number 23, second floor. She went up the stairs and knocked the door.
He was tall, fat and ugly as hell. His skin was a reddish shade of purple, and he had a three days stub over his flaccid cheeks. His lips were wet, and one of his teeth was permanently chewing on them.
"Who are you? " he said. His voice was strong and a bit hoarse.
"Slut777whore"
His face was a poem. She forced her way into the apartment, with her thumbs hooked into her pockets. She walked in a boyish way.
"Nice house"
"Don't fuck with me"
She turned her head and smirked at him.
"I thought that's the reason why I'm here"
"Bullshit. You were supposed to be a man!!"
Silence, again. The smirk dissappeared.
"I can do it as well as a boy"
"That's not the point. I don't want a cunt"
She walked up to him and grabbed at his dirty shirt.
"Try me. If I could make you cum on the internet, I can make it now"
"Get off!" he screamed, and hit her with a hand like a hammer. She fell to the rug and went still, touching her cheek with soft fingers.
"Maybe he slapped me with the same hand that grabbed his cock before..." she thought.
He walked nervously around her, murmuring random phrases.
Her body was very thin. Maybe she was unconcious. Maybe she was dead...
"Hey, are you alright?" he asked. She nodded, but said nothing. Her short locks were stroking her masculine jaw-line. The sharp angles on her shoulders and hips looked almost boyish. She had a flat but firm ass, and her boobs were practicaly inexistent.
He kneeled next to her and touched her back. Her spine was perfectly defined under the t-shirt fabric. The muscles were hard and flexible, cat-like.
"About your proposal..." his thick and strong fingers grabbed her bottom "Maybe you could do a nice job"
She stood up and took off her jeans. She kneeled in front of him, hiding her absence of penis with her thighs. He licked her asshole and slapped her buttock. She panted, suddenly excited. She was becoming wet.
Wet like his lips.
Wet like his tonge inserted on her anus.
He abandoned his manipulations and unzipped his pants. She felt the hot and sticky surface of his cock touching her crack. She knew what came next. She spread her legs, giving more room for what was about to happen. The hardness of his member injured her insides, but she remained silent. Soon, the slamming movement gave her the seeked pleasure. She sacrificed her balance and began stroking herself. Her scream was heard a few seconds before. He shuddered and came, suffocating his moans with her t-shirt.
"Get out of here" he said, his voice hoarser than usual.
She buttoned up her jeans and ran outside.
The cold air of dawn cleared her mind. She breathed deeply and felt her whole body getting tense before she vomited. The smell was unbearable. She ran away, zig-zagging. Her steps were clumsy.
Her mouth was stained with barf.
Her ass was stained with semen.
And she welcomed the rising sun with her face stained with tears.